Mens Alternative Sports
Last Updated on Friday, 24 July 2009 21:42 Thursday, 22 January 2009 12:11
Our criteria for deciding the best mens alternative sports revolved around: 1. Ease of participation. Nobody wants to have to travel 100 miles every other week night to play some sport for an hour. We want sports we can set up and do within the next 15 minutes. 2. Bragging rights. Nobody in the pub wants to hear of your 100m sprint time. Everybody will want to hear of your wife carrying exploits and the two minutes of sheer terror chasing a lump of cheese. 3. Participation. Sport is meant to involve you with people. We’ve made sure to select those that will either give you the greatest laugh with your mates, or the best time with the fairer sex. Without further ado, and in no particular order as we couldn’t be bothered, we present to you our greatest alternative sports for men. You too could feature in your very own amateurish video some day as you demonstrate your prowess on these hallowed pages. 
In the spirit of the new year and the likely resolutions amongst us to try new things, get out more, get fit and get active, we’ve compiled a list of alternative sports for men that are fulsome, wholesome and most importantly, easy to do in your own friendly neighbourhood. Grab some friends and get cracking.
Cheese Rolling - One that you can easily improvise. Scout the locality for a suitable hill. Ideally, select one that is deceptively steep, that you have no hope of running down upright on and that when you tumble, you will continue to tumble until the end. Grab a few friends, start off in a tight group and roll the cheese downhill. Now Run. Run down as if your life depended on it. Broken bones are a sign of commitment. Great fun all round. Clothes can be optional. Telling how you broke you collarbone to the nurses in hospital is one of those life changing events.
Poker - Yes, it involves, beer, cigars and (hopefully) hot chicks in strip poker games. We're not sure why it qualifies as a sport given exposure to many amateurish poker nights is likely to have serious long term health effects not limited to poverty. If you smoke and/or drink to excess, this is one sport that goes straight to the top of your priority list. A brilliant all rounder for the less athletic amongst us.
Curling. For those of you aren't aware, this involves sliding the curling stone (made of granite) down a lane of ice attempting to stop it in the middle of a circle. Your opponent can bash your stone out of the way too on their turn. Two other schmucks brush the ice in front of the sliding rock to control its speed and direction. Owner of the rock closest to the centre of the circle wins the game. As its played on ice, no fridge is required for your cans of beer. Great for those not inclined towards vigorous exertion.
Chess. Yes indeed, a universal game. Play it in sunny Central Park of New York, on giant life sized boards or the cannabis cafes of Amsterdam, the thinking mans game can be played as speed chess if you're feeling lively or at a more morose pace if you aren't the brightest spark on the planet. Winning a game of chess will leave you feeling smug, clever and highly intelligent even if you are homeless, broke and bankrupt.
Mixed volleyball / tennis - Lets face it, watching slam serves from the latest tennis genius Roger Federer will eventually devoid the game of excitement. Switch over to the women's tennis however and things immediately start to hot up. There's only one thing that beats watching it however and that's playing it. Choose an appropriately attired female to partner with and smile when she grunts, beam when she jumps and positively yell with excitement as she falls over. Try keep your hands to yourself though.
Wife carrying championships - For those love birds of you out there who want to demonstrate your undying commitment to each other, a perfect sport is the annual wife carrying championships, originally begun in Finland but now spreading worldwide. Beware though, many people practise year round and are almost pro at this stage. According to the Rule book by the International Wife Carrying Competition Rules Committee "The wife to be carried may be your own, the neighbour's or you may have found her farther afield; she must, however, be over 17 years of age" whilst she must also weigh a minimum of 49kgs / 107lbs. Obviously, if your wife avoids the cream cakes and chocolate bars for breakfast whilst you train with 200lbs weights, you could become a winning team.
Caber Toss. Or Log Toss. Grab yourself a nearby telegraph pole and proceed to toss it into the air. Easy really. If you get it anything further than 3 feet, consider it a job well done. If there are ladies nearby, avoid references to the obvious phallic object you are tossing and display a bit of class as you collaspe under the weight.
Sumo wrestling Never mind that fake, child's play wrestling on TV. Go for the thousand year old version and face off against the 250lbs / 115kgs heavyweight pro. We are still of the firm belief that if you are agile enough and coat yourself in baby oil, the lard ass will simply slide off you and fall out of the ring.
Bog snorkellin. Ever want to meet a Welsh lass? Or just find out where Wales is? All lanes in bog snorkling lead to Wales. Does exactly what it says on the tin. Contestants flip and flap their way through a channel cut in a bog. We're not sure if they can even see where they're going which propably explains the lack of corners. Held in Wales every year, achieving success in this sport will not exactly make you a millionaire, however the booze up later on in the night in a quaint Welsh pub will make up for it.
