So she ruined your life. She had you drop all your friends. You switched job to something you hate but that was 'better for your career'. She's left you in debt. You had to move away from home. She got rid of the cat. Then the dog. Now she's finally left you for her boss.
And you still miss her. You miss her incessant moaning. You miss the cute way she used to order you about. Sure, she was a witch from the wrong side of good, but t'was better than being alone. And you did get sex on your birthdays.
Break-up’s can be hard. Very often we form an emotional bond with someone that can be unhealthy for us. It leaves us open to abuse - whether physical or mental. That bond is formed through dependence. The significant other becomes a crutch, and can either help us avoid dealing with our own very real problems, or mask them. When she leaves, it brings home our own insecurities and we have to face reality on our own once again. The process can be daunting.
But fear not. We're here to help you through this messy period. Trust us when we say that you will look back one day and be proud that you got through the whole affair without loosing (too much) face. We throw aside the mumbo-jumbo talk and tell you what it really takes to get over her.
Moving on is a two step process in our book. First we need to erase her. Secondly we need to start anew. So on with the first step.
You may be sobbing. You may be blundering your way through sentences as you attempt to verbalize your hurt. Get a watch. Time yourself for five minutes. This next five minutes will be the only time that you will cry over her. After that, no matter how much it hurts your gonna move on, man up, and show the world (and her) that your better than this.
Five minutes up? Good. then on to the next step.
We are going to erase her from your physical surroundings. Pictures first. Tear up and destroy any of her that are lying around. ALL of them. None are to be kept. The only memories you will have are locked away deep inside of you. There shall be no pictures to remind you of what a sorry sore ass loser you are at this point in time. If you really want to get into this process, light a fire somewhere (preferably not on top of the bed) and symbolically burn her photo's whilst muttering incantations. If you come across a mixed photo of her and some friend’s you really must keep, cut her out of it. You can replace the cut out with images of Britney ,Pammie, Mom. Whatever tugs your boat.
Having gotten rid of all the photo's we must now cleanse your bedroom. No point in sleeping in her dead skin cells. Or her pungent odour. Besides, if you ever get the urge to bring home the skankiest slut from the town, you'll need a clean room to impress her. Or not. But irregardless we're gonna get rid of her mark on your bedpost. You see its like replacing one dog with another. You don't want the new dog coming in and smelling the old one - it upsets them and can make them feel very insecure. So its the same process now with your ex. Wash the bed sheets, towels, hoover (and wash if you wish) the floor. If at some later stage she's coming back to collect her belongings throw them all in a black plastic bag. Don't worry too much about sorting them out. Just make sure none leak - we don't want to get you sued. Throw them all in there, unfolded clothes, clean clothes, dirty knickers, perfume, cotton buds, jewellery, her pills, cleansers and toothbrush. Everything. Tie airtight knot in said bag(s) and place in some dark corner of the house. If she's not returning at all, you can proceed to dump those bags directly into the bin. Go to sleep in your new room for a night.
When you wake up, you should be feeling a sense of newness creeping into your life. Its now time to tackle the rest of the house. Remember how you often thought about moving things to suit you? Or hanging some pictures that you wanted? Or getting that playstation hooked up? Now is the time to do it. Remove any of her silly knick knacks from the property. You can add them to the black bags if you so wish. The important thing here is that you get your house back. Paint the walls if you wish. Move the fridge near the couch for easy access to beer. Set up Gym in her mediation room. Hang sexy girl posters from the bedroom door.
Now we need to organise you worming your way back into your friends life. She may have dragged you away from them, but nothing will stop you getting back to them. Ring them. Or text them. If they have been rather cold with you as of late due to 'her', then explain you've broken up. Tell them they were right. Then go for beer. Don't laden them with sob stories of how you miss her. Its more a celebration that you are back with your mates, then a sad farewell party for her. Afterwards invite them all back to your place to admire your fridge location and new playstation. Ensure they all have a place to lay their heads.
If you have insulted your friends too much that they refuse to even acknowledge your existence, then its a great time to get out and join some clubs. It doesn’t really matter which ones. If you can't find one that interests you, then just join any. The key is social contact and interaction, rather than the subject of the club. Of course it may be inadvisable to join clubs with titles like the 'Ex-Murderers Association' or such.
Hit the Gym. Whilst she's been around you've been busy munching your way through fatty foods in a vain attempt to cover up the pain she was causing you. Now that she's gone, you need to get back to the business of looking fit and manly. No more curries. No more snacking on chocolate and crisps. Hit the Gym. The first time will be the hardest. It gets easier the more you do it. So what if you can only manage 5 push-ups the first go? Revel that next time you'll do 6. Hit the Gym as hard as you can over the next few months. The exercise will release endorphins that make you feel good, improve your stamina in the sack and have you looking a whole more attractive to the next psychopath you end up dating.
