How to act like a man

Last Updated on Thursday, 14 August 2008 11:16 Thursday, 14 August 2008 10:55

We here at Thug Village believe in manliness. We've experienced the New Age man but we prefer the Stone Age man. The clarion call has gone out to return to our roots and what we do best. For those of you who have lost your way and believe skinny jeans and 'male' moisturisers are the way of the future, here's a how to guide to acting like a real man. And this time, your father will approve.

1. Birds are there to cook dinners and wash clothes. You are there to provide food, shelter and security. At times, you even mind the kids.

2. You have no business holding her hand as she gives birth. Drugs were invented to ease and cure pain. Make sure she gets a double dose. Go to the bar and drink until summonsed to return. It may be your last drink for a long time.

3. Passing gas is a male prerogative. Gases have to come out some way and we presume the female species would prefer a loud burp to a smelly fart. Be polite and ask which she would prefer.

4. Men DO NOT listen. Whilst she is telling you she is pregnant with triplets, you should be thinking about tonight's match on TV. You have no idea what she said five minutes ago, let alone five days ago. Men have more important things to worry about.

5. Sport - A Male bastion. EVERY match is important. If you admit you have no interest in the latest from the Mongolian football league, you will find yourself watching 'real life' drama or a 'true love' story. You have been warned.

6. Make a point of talking with your mouth full. Pick your nose for a change. Open the door and spit onto the lawn. Do NOT go on shopping trips with her. NEVER wear his’n’hers matching outfits.

7.When, on the rare occasion you cook, take no lectures from her about what you are doing wrong. Whilst cooking, swig from cool cans of beer. When you go to a restaurant, stop pretending you can decipher the menu. Close the menu book and order steak.

8. Men drive. That way you do not travel at 40km/s an hour, use mirrors for make-up, drive dangerously through junctions or forget what indicators are for. Plus, owing to men's superior sense of direction, you will know all the short cuts and arrive much earlier.

9. Men ogle hot babes. It's no use denying that you do not look at other birds. This is a natural reaction. Men were created to spread their seed, women to harvest them. Openly admit and practise eyeing talent until she accepts it as natural.

10. Men make decisions, women dither. This is because she is so busy multi-tasking, she cannot possibly know what is best for her. Men focus on the task at hand and therefore know what is best. Make your choice and stick to it even though she will react in this order - arguing, tantrum, sulking and finally, apology. Overtime, she will see that you were right.