Avoiding Chores

Last Updated on Tuesday, 30 November 1999 00:00 Tuesday, 02 September 2008 10:19

Nagging wife? Lecturing girlfriend? Finger wagging housemates?  Household chores are the bane of life but  unfortunately need to be done. Luckily we can minimize the amount of disruption they cause to our lives by following a few simple rules....

1. You are always busy. Even if you are plonked in front of the TV with beer and crisps you are busy watching an incredibly important match. You will do the washing up later.

2. Later arrives. The match is over. However you already arranged to meet one of your buddies who you haven’t seen in AGES. You would have no problem doing the washing up except for this. You will do the washing up next time instead.

3. You arrived home at 4 in the morning after meeting your buddy and she is not talking to you now. This is unfortunate as you wanted to know if there was anything to be done. She can hardly blame you for not knowing if she doesn't tell you.

4. When you are doing the laundry, leave your clothes in the machine. When someone else wants to use it, they will have to hang your washing out to dry. If they leave it in a heap on the floor, this is ridiculous. You would have no problems hanging their clothes on the line.

5. Something needs fixing. Like all professional workmen, this involves first making tea. Stand about idly gazing at the problem until you realise you need to buy X in the shops. Disappear for the day claiming traffic, engine or sourcing problems. Relax and enjoy a beer with your buddies.

6. The task of cleaning a room has been ordered upon you. Make a half hearted effort. Shift rubbish from one corner of the room to another. Lightly sweep the floor. Leave highly visible dirt lines. Stand proudly as you show your loved one your immense cleaning abilities.  You probably won't be asked again.

7. Absence is always a great problem solver. A clean up has been organised by your house mates. Arrive home suitably late apologizing profusely. Grab the two bags of rubbish and dump them in the bin. Reposition the couch. Job done.

8. She is raging that you never help out around the house. Look her in the eyes and tell her you love her. Whisk her out the door for a romantic meal and buy her flowers on the way home. She will have the place spotless by tomorrow evening.

9. Make a demonstration of your hard work and cleanliness. Remove a cup from the living room to the kitchen. Tut tut at someone else's untidiness. State loudly and clearly that you believe you are doing all the work around here.

10. Bribery - Always Works. You have never scrubbed a shower in your life let alone cleaned a toilet. Such things really are beneath you. It has cost you several crates of beer or some shopping vouchers for your wife, but such little expenses are happily borne knowing what you avoided. There is nothing quite like relaxing in a freshly scrubbed bath or sitting like a king on a sparkling lavatory to make your day.