How to nab a WAG.
Last Updated on Tuesday, 28 October 2008 12:03 Tuesday, 28 October 2008 11:44
If you don't know what a WAG is, there is no point reading this article. You belong to a club who fancies girls with crooked teeth and still lives at home with their mothers. On the other hand, for those of us who look at (ugly) footballers nabbing long, blonde, 36DD models, there is still hope even if you don't have the skills of Maradona or the impossible good looks of Beckham.
First of all spruce up. You will need to wear fashionable clothes, have your hair styled and accessorize with good looking bracelets, rings or watches. Even if you have no idea of style and end up looking a Spanish plonker like Christiano Ronaldo you'll be fine but try aim for a suitably macho image. Don't forget your sunglasses, even if it’s the middle of winter.
Head for a bar, though not your usual boozer filled with the finest specimen of flatulating female talent, but those stylish city centre bars and clubs that charge a small week’s wages for a drink. It is well known that WAGs go hunting at these premises seeking suitable quarry to prey on. Bound confidently up to the door and hand your coat to the nearest waiter on arrival.
Having attained entry to this hunting ground, you now need to make yourself known as quarry. Never ever queue for service. Instead, order from a waiter as they walk past or wait until the crowd at the bar has slackened. Order a suitable drink for the occasion, (we'd recommend a beer or a glass of spirits) handing over a clean crisp fifty or a slim credit card. Again, we'd recommend hard cash for the sheer flash value.
Leave the change with the barman and nonchalantly stuff the notes back in your (bulging) wallet. Wags have an attraction to men on the make. Brain surgeons, air force pilots, sports stars, city lawyers and bankers are all good tales to impress them with. Scientists, teachers and policemen might as well be poverty ridden peasants from the eighteenth century. Its important to embellish any tales you tell them here, such as shooting down the US Presidential Plane or bankrupting a third world nation with your derivatives trading.
Drop a line about your 104th storey bachelor pad with views of the New York City skyline. Mention you left your ferrari in London. Explain to them about your upcoming trip to Milan (WAGs will definitely be impressed with this one). Tell them about the expensive hotel you are in for your overnight stay.
Be a gentleman and order champers and expensive wine. WAGS do not down pints of the local brew in drinking contests like the local lassies. Neither do they 'do' rounds or accept soggy vinegar laden fast food from the local chippie. If they get peckish, either order from the in-house menu or head (by taxi) to an expensive restaurant.
Having pushed their overpriced salads around on a plate for an hour and drank 3 bottles of fine red wine, it is time to go clubbing. Normally, you would get turned away from these fancy venues, but with a WAG on your arm, badly dressed, ugly males will suddenly find themselves jumping queues and being escorted to (instead of from) VIP areas. Here you fill find leather clad couches, tables, flowers and an adjacent bar, most likely with an all night table service.
From here, it can only be good times. Spread the cash like confetti, ordering the most overpriced cocktails you can find. Watch as your girl(s) squirms on your lap or dances on tables with wild abandon. Impress her some more with your cool moves on the dance floor.
By the time your wallet is empty and the night over, your WAG should now be suitably impressed with her new found catch. You can either politely invite her back to your hotel room for a nightcap or arrange to meet her some other time if needs be. You may need to work two jobs in order to afford her passion for shoes, but at least with a WAG on your arm, you'll be the envy of the town.
